


homework help: just try to have a good time, and dont die

by IridescentFeline



Category: The Queen's Thief - Megan Whalen Turner
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Book 2: The Queen of Attolia (Queen's Thief), F/M, Light-Hearted, Texting, but hilariously they are still essentially the same age as canon, but spoilers through Thick as Thieves, qtappreciationweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:41:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24817039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IridescentFeline/pseuds/IridescentFeline
Summary: [2:30am] icanstealanything: ✋🏾😕✋🏾🦴🙅🏾 🔨 🔨😫✋🏾[2:30am] icanstealanything:  😵😵 😑🤦🚗🏥[2:30am] imTrying: ??[2:31am] icanstealanything:  IRRNE BVROKE ,MY   HABND !!---The Queen of Attolia told through texts and emails as if they were all in high school.
Relationships: Attolia | Irene/Eugenides
Comments: 14
Kudos: 50





	homework help: just try to have a good time, and dont die

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to Bill Wurtz for the title inspiration.
> 
> This fic was written for Queen's Thief appreciation week on tumblr for AU day.

////

/// **MONDAY** ///

////

**_kings and queens of peninsula highschool UNITE_ **  
**_icanstealanything (EugenidesAttolis), imTrying (CostisOrmentides), kamet (KametKingnamer), Attolia (IreneAttolia), helen (HelenEddis), bunny (SophosSounis)_ **

**[2:30] icanstealanything:** ✋🏾😕✋🏾🦴🙅🏾 🔨 🔨😫✋🏾  
**[2:30] icanstealanything:** 😵😵 😑🤦🚗🏥

**[2:30] imTrying:** ??

**[2:30] icanstealanything:** 😧😑🤕💉👩⚕️

**[2:30] imTrying:** are you drunk texting??

**[2:31] icanstealanything:** IRRNE BVROKE ,MY HABND !!

**[2:31] imTrying:** wHAT???!?!!?!!!!

**[2:31] icanstealanything: ✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾**

**[2:31] imTrying:** are you ok???? 

**[2:35] kamet:** Are you typing with one hand then?

**[2:40] imTrying:** kamet he could be hurt??

**[2:45] kamet:** Haven’t you told me he begs off of everything he doesn’t want to go to with some “illness” or whatever?

**[2:47] imTrying:** you have a point but he’s never told me that he has a serious injury at 3am for no reason??

**[2:55] kamet:** That implies he’s been justified in fabricating injuries before.

**[2:56] icanstealanything:** kamet u judgemental asshole im ambdexxros  
**[2:58] icanstealanything:** *ambidestrous

**[3:01] kamet:** I’m only considering logistics.

**[3:01] imTrying:** ok but are you okay???  
**[3:02] imTrying:** SHOULD I CALL AN AMBULANCE

**[3:20] attolia:** He’s fine.

**[3:26] imTrying:** that isnt reassuring???????????????  
**[3:26] imTrying:** gen???????  
**[4:05] imTrying:** gen?????????  
**[4:59] imTrying:** we have school tomorrow??? are you going to be there???  
**[5:03] imTrying:** i give up. im going to take a nap

**[6:07] helen:** what the fuck did I miss last night  
**[6:07] helen:** why am I friends with people who stay up so late  
**[6:08] helen:** oh  
**[6:08] helen:** i see.

**[6:15]**  
**_the user_ ** **helen (HelenEddis)** **_has changed their name to_ ** **warThen (HelenEddis)**

////

**_icanstealanything (EugenidesAttolis), warThen (HelenEddis)_ **

**[9:00]** **icanstealanything:** Helen. Helen. My Dear Dear Sweet Cousin. Please tell me you did not just declare war on Irene in front of the whole school  
**[9:01] icanstealanything:** you 👏are 👏abusing your power 👏as class representative 👏

**[9:03] warThen:** you would’ve been there to stop me if you weren’t always hiding in the library during morning meetings

**[9:04]** **icanstealanything:** moria knows i’m never there its fine

**[9:05] warThen:** she only lets you get away with it because you’re the teacher’s pet

**[9:06]** **icanstealanything:** i take offense at that  
**[9:06] icanstealanything:** omg wait a fucking minute you changed your name ?? this is SERIOUS

**[9:07] warThen:** i  
**[9:07] warThen:** unlike some people   
**[9:07] warThen:** do tend to take things seriously

**[9:08] icanstealanything:** oh no

////

**_kings and queens of peninsula highschool UNITE_ **  
**_icanstealanything (EugenidesAttolis), imTrying (CostisOrmentides), kamet (KametKingnamer), Attolia (IreneAttolia), warThen (HelenEddis), bunny (SophosSounis)_ **

**[12:05] icanstealanything:** ok but what did helen say at the morning meeting ?????

**[12:10] kamet:** She said, and I’m paraphrasing here, that, in times of distress, the class president should make sure to consider the mental, emotional, and *COUGH* physical well-being of every student in her care.

**[12:11] icanstealanything:** omg,,,,,,

**[12:13] attolia** : It was very professional. She kept eye contact with the audience the entire time.

**[12:13] warThen:** im prepared to back down if i see evidence of physical well-being

**[12:14] icanstealanything** : im fine!!!! im not mad at irene at all !!!!!!

**[12:15] kamet** : Gen, that could not have been less convincing. Even by your standards.

**[12:20] imTrying:** just come to class! you’re going to get in trouble for missing so much anyway. and then helen will know you are ok!

**[12:21] icanstealanything** : im on the school campus. im immune to detention for missing school

**[12:22] imTrying:** i dont think that’s how it works??????

**[12:23] icanstealanything** : i know the rules. i know exactly how to break them

**[12:25] kamet** : No, that’s definitely not how it works.

**[12:30] bunny** : guys,, stop texting during class 😔

////

**_icanstealanything (EugenidesAttolis), attolia (IreneAttolia)_ **

**[13:05] icanstealanything:** everyone thinks i hate you now?????? i dont understand

**[15:07] attolia:** Gen, my love, you told everyone I Broke Your Hand like it was the end of the world.

**[15:07] icanstealanything:** i was exagggerating!!!!! honestly have people not encountered hyperbole before

**[15:09] attolia:** I’d like to point out that all you do is lie, which has made the truths you do tell more than suspect. For example, there seem to be many doubts about the depth of our relationship.

**[15:09] icanstealanything:** oh  
**[15:16] icanstealanything:** but i love you

**[15:17] attolia:** I know.

**[15:19] icanstealanything:** but i still blame you for breaking my hand

////

/// **TUESDAY** ///

////

**_warThen (HelenEddis), kamet (KametKingnamer)_ **

**[12:28] kamet:** So, Irene and Gen are obviously hooking up, but Costis insists that they are actually DATING dating.  
**[12:29] kamet:** You have some freaky spy network on our friend group, so… is Costis right?

**[12:31] warThen** : do you just want information or do you want to join the betting pool

**[12:31] kamet** : …. Of course there’s a betting pool.  
**[12:31] kamet** : What’re the terms.

**[12:32] warThen** : you bet on when you think they’ll confess their deep undying love for each other

**[12:32] kamet** : Haven’t they?

**[12:33] warThen** : sneaking around on dates and then pretending nothing serious happened does not count  
**[12:33] warThen** : we need a public confession.

**[12:34] kamet** : Sometimes I wonder if I should pity Gen,

**[12:35] warThen** : but then you remember who youre talking about

**[12:35] kamet** : but then I remember that this is the person who stole each and every one of our permits so that he was the only one who could drive and forced us to go to Mcdonalds.

**[12:36] warThen** : so are you in?

**[12:39] kamet** : Yeah, alright.  
**[12:39] kamet** : Did Costis bet yet?

////

**_kings and queens of peninsula highschool UNITE_ **  
**_icanstealanything (EugenidesAttolis), imTrying (CostisOrmentides), kamet (KametKingnamer), Attolia (IreneAttolia), warThen (HelenEddis), bunny (SophosSounis)_ **

**[13:40] imTrying:** hey everyone!! lmk if you see Gen! I have his homework.

**[13:41] kamet** : Don’t forget to interrogate him about Sunday night.

**[13:41] icanstealanything:** i can see this chat u know

**[13:42] imTrying:** ill report back dont worry!!

**[13:16] icanstealanything:** i refuse to be caught

////

**Peninsula School System**

**[18:00]:** Eugenides, leave the library. 

**[18:01] eugenidesAttolis:** teachers arent allowed to do this!!!!! im being betrayed!

**[18:02]:** And stop whining.

////

**_kings and queens of peninsula highschool UNITE_ **  
**_icanstealanything (EugenidesAttolis), imTrying (CostisOrmentides), kamet (KametKingnamer), Attolia (IreneAttolia), warThen (HelenEddis), bunny (SophosSounis)_ **

**[18:42] imTrying:** he avoided me :/

**[18:43] kamet** : I’m proud of you for trying.

////

/// **WEDNESDAY** ///

////

**From: The Magus (magus@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**To: Eugenides Attolis (eattolia@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**Date: Today, 9:45 am**  
**Subject: Turning in your Homework**

Dear Gen,

Whatever drama is going on in your group right now, I don’t care. Give me your homework by tomorrow or you’ll fail AP Biology.

Thank you,  
Professor Magus  
—  
Professor Magus  
Head of Biology Department, AP Biology Teacher  
Peninsula High School

**From: Eugenides Attolis (eattolia@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**To: The Magus (magus@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**Date: Today, 9:47 am**  
**Subject: Re: Turning in your Homework**

have you forgotten all of the life lessons of last year’s road trip????!!! we were best friends <3   
besides i can finish that hw in like,, 15min

-Gen

**From: The Magus (magus@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**To: Eugenides Attolis (eattolia@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**Date: Today, 9:55 am**  
**Subject: Re: Re: Turning in your Homework**

Dear Gen,

If that’s the case, then you won’t mind giving up your lunch period to catch up on all the work you’ve missed.

See you then,  
Professor Magus  
—  
Professor Magus  
Head of Biology Department, AP Biology Teacher  
Peninsula High School

**From: Eugenides Attolis (eattolia@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**To: The Magus (magus@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**Date: Today, 9:57 am**  
**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Turning in your Homework**

>:0 u wont get me to no secondary location  
also, what a hypocrite! emailing during morning meeting im disappointed

-Gen  
[attached gif]

**From: The Magus (magus@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**To: Eugenides Attolis (eattolia@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**Date: Today, 10:00 am**  
**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Turning in your Homework**

Dealing with you is absolutely beyond my paygrade. I better see you in my classroom at lunch, or you can expect detention.

—  
Professor Magus  
Head of Biology Department, AP Biology Teacher  
Peninsula High School

**From: Eugenides Attolis (eattolia@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**To: The Magus (magus@peninsulahighschool.org)**  
**Date: Today, 10:05 am**  
**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Turning in your Homework**

fine.   
just so it’s on record, you’re not playing fair.

////

**_warThen (HelenEddis), bunny (SophosSounis)_ **

**[15:00] bunny:** is gen ok? i know everyone is joking about his dramatics, but he doesn’t usually avoid us for this long . . . 😟

**[15:10] warThen:** he won’t let me visit him so i don’t know  
**[15:10] warThen:** he might let you tho

**[15:14] bunny:** why me?

**[15:14] warThen:** you have better puppy dog eyes  
**[15:15] warThen:** don’t worry. I’ll send you with reinforcements

**[15:17] bunny:** helen pls don’t do this to me  
**[15:29] bunny:** at least tell me who’s about to show up at my house  
**[15:40] bunny:** ...helen i love you but why  
**[15:50] bunny:** . . . . ...

////

**_kings and queens of peninsula highschool UNITE_ **  
**_icanstealanything (EugenidesAttolis), imTrying (CostisOrmentides), kamet (KametKingnamer), Attolia (IreneAttolia), warThen (HelenEddis), bunny (SophosSounis)_ **

**[20:40] imTrying:** so me and sophos and some of helen’s cousins broke into gen’s room and he’s actually fine.  
**[20:41] imTrying:** yknow. like he always is

**[20:44] warThen:** his hand isn’t broken?

**[20:45] imTrying:** funny story actually

**[20:46] warThen:** wow. the three dots of texting doom.

**[20:49] kamet:** This is a really long story.

**[20:52] warThen:** itll be a relief to finally hear to the details

**[20:55] kamet:** I do have a paper to write on gay respresentaiton in ancient literature, though. I can’t wait forever.

**[20:55] imTrying:** so (sophos jump in and correct me if im wrong cause i think i blanked out some of gen’s ranting. it was hard to hear him from under aulus and boagas) first. some backstory: irene has an antique chest where she keeps snacks. this is Sacred apparently. it has bees on it which is apppparently a very important point because gen kept repeating the fact. its also very heavy?? anyway on SUNDAY gen and irene got really drunk

**[20:55] kamet:** Nevermind. I’m here for the show.

**[20:56] warThen:** the drama

**[20:58] kamet:** How much more story is there?

**[20:59] imTrying:** one sec  
**[21:01] imTrying:** so they were messing around and irene saw that gen had some candy from the drawer and got angry (“”””unreasonably furious”””” in his words) and demanded that he not take anymore candy. so ofc he just started stealing it whenever her back was turned and then she caught him in the act and SLAMMED the chest down on his hand. something broke and they had to go to get a cast. his dad drove them to the hospital. i think thats when he texted us?? after that they were still drunk i guess because irene drew this whole thing on the cast. so hes been avoiding everyone bc he thought he could just heal and get rid of the cast bf we could see it. the end.

**[21:01] warThen:** wow

**[21:01]** **kamet:** Send pics.

**[21:02] icanstealanything:** omfg

**[21:02] imTrying:** HOW did you get your phone back from aulus

**[21:03] icanstealanything:** i stole it

**[21:05] imTrying:** [sent three attachments]

**[21:07] bunny:** wow irene! that’s a really nice drawing. you’re really skilled ❤️❤️

**[21:07] attolia:** Thank you, Sophos.  
**[21:08] attolia:** I’m glad someone appreciates them.

**[21:09] icanstealanything:** im being bullied.

**[21:10] attolia:** You only have yourself to blame.

**[21:11] icanstealanything:** does this mean you dont love me anymore? :(((

**[21:12] kamet:** lmao

**[21:12] attolia:** My little thief, I love you and every single bit of your body.

**[21:13]** **kamet:** TMI TMI

**[21:14] bunny:** does this mean you two are official? 😮

**[21:14] warThen:** you’re actually admitting you’re dating?

**[21:15] icanstealanything:** I HAVE NEVER LIED ABOUT DATING IRENE

**[21:15] attolia:** @warThen Yes.

**[21:16] bunny:** congrats ! ❤️

**[21:17] icanstealanything:** irene this is so embarrassing.

**[21:17] attolia:** Again, you only have Yourself to blame.

**[21:19] warThen:** congrats. good luck dealing with this chaotic gremlin !

**[21:19] attolia:** Reassuring.

**[21:21] kamet** : I hate everything about where this conversation has gone.

**[21:21]** **imTrying:** seconded

**[21:23] icanstealanything:** @warThen will you please change your name now?

**[21:24] warThen:** only for you.

**[21:24] icanstealanything:** <3

**[21:26]**  
**_the user_ ** **warThen (HelenEddis)** **_has changed their name to_ ** **helen (HelenEddis)**

////

**_betting ring_ **  
**_helen (HelenEddis), kamet (KametKingnamer), imTrying (CostisOrmentides), bunny (sophosSounis)_ **

**[21:28] helen** : pay up

**[21:28] kamet** : Gods dammit.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to @storieswelove (ao3 and tumblr) for beta-ing. Without them, this fic would be 200% less cohesive :’)
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @iridescentfeline <3


End file.
